Sacred Love – Quality Control in Your Relationship

When work is weighing you down, and there seems like a million things to do, and you feel like your relationship is suffering, know that you are right. Your relationship is suffering. The key here is not to use time as the adjustable consumable for your work. Fix the time for work and get done what has to be done in that time.

Add the quality of your relationship to your measure of your work process. If you are coming home bummed out, fatigued, late at night, and you think you are doing a great job, then you need to think again. That’s like putting square wheels on a car. You might be winning at work, but in life which is what counts, you are losing.

Set your standards to protect your relationships. Evolve your work practices in a way that sends you home happy and full of love rather than craving compassion and complaining about how hard work is. Work is not hard, work is just work, if you drive around all day attending meetings, and this exhausts you either find a way to make it fun and stop complaining or change the process. By default, if you keep doing work that you don’t like and don’t enjoy and can’t get your head around enjoying it somehow, then you’ve decided that your relationship is not really what you want, you are overtly sabotaging your life and your relationship. There is someone with lust, love and energy waiting for them to be free.

Sometimes there’s a short period when you say to your partner, “whoops, I blew it at work and I am struggling, please give me some tolerance for a week.” And this is understandable – one or twice each year things can overwhelm you for a week.

Don’t compromise

When the heat of work comes on, I hear people say, “Oh, it’s only for a week or so” but it is not good. The crack becomes a leak and the leak becomes a resentment and finally, there’s a pattern. Tell your boss, No.

That doesn’t mean you refuse to do extra work. Of course you do extra work, the more work you take on the more indispensable you become. But you take more on by refining your process.

One client told me they could do twice the work but it set up an expectation for them to keep it up so they back off. I think this is also a compromise on my client’s life. A joyful person fills their day and fills it productively. They don’t want to waste time at work or at home.

In the work of energy management we recommend people put in 90%. Never 100% that is exhausting. Its the same in relationship, keep some back otherwise you’re living too close the edge and you’ll fall. You need to be stable in relationship and work, it means always looking for ways to give more in less time. How to connect better.

Relationship is about trust, and love is about the now. Compromise destroys both these important elements.

These choices might seem a little harsh but compromise just never works in relationship. If you compromise your relationship it’s because you don’t value it. There’s no excuse for abuse, and abuse starts when you start swapping relationship time for work time. I work 14 hours a day. I don’t give my time 50/50 to work and relationship. I work 14 hours, exercise for 3 and have relationship for 2. That’s my pattern and it’s what I promise my partner I can sustain. This is beyond compromise with us.

Turning up is the demand for an evolved relationship. People don’t like the compromised model of the past. If you don’t turn up then, no matter how many hours you spend with your partner or how much you work on the relationship, it will never be enough. Not compromising your relationship means turning up with a certain standard of health and happiness, contributing presence with your partner.

Quality control can mean choosing a different form of relationship

More and more people are opting to stay single. The reason is that they want quality not quantity of intimacy. They are choosing to celebrate love with a partner rather than get embroiled in a relationship. Staying single does not mean lack of love, in fact, more often than not, it means more of it. It often means that this individual has their future clearly mapped out and they don’t need or want anyone to partner with them to manifest it.

The difficulty for those in relationship is that love often takes a back seat to the future planning. The couple can find themselves making choices based on what’s good for the future and sort of taking for granted the love side. Sadly, this leaves a vacuum and people often get hurt. It’s because some people worry so much about the future, they invest their whole relationship energy in it and then find that they haven’t looked after the now.

In the choice to enter a relationship we are acknowledging both the now and the future are important. Work can drag people away from the now but they justify it by saying that they are doing it for the future. This often ends up in disaster because that person has built a future but has no love left to sustain it.

There’s two aspects. Relationship and love so you need to always remember to focus on keeping your love in the moment. It’s a daily ritual of devotion. A commitment to higher order. It’s a worship of a real live guru, your partner. It’s a celebration of the lower and the higher energies of life, the sexual and the divine. It is truly an opportunity to reach extremely high states of awareness and it takes extraordinary commitment, willpower, to sustain the practice.

Love is Cumulative – Global Change through Personal Change

It is wise to understand that love is never static. The level of love we share for our partner at the start must be considered to be the minimum, and we build from there. Remembering that love is not relationship, so, love growth cannot be measured in children produced, rings bought, cars upgraded or holidays shared. Those are, the material existence of the emotional world of relationship and fabulous if you choose them. But they do not substitute or replace love. Only stillness and emptiness, unconditional expectation free time sitting together can build love. And love grows.

To sustain a growing love with your partner you and your partner will need to be expanding your mindset on a daily basis. A fixed minded person cannot expand their love. They can love to fixed levels but will not be able to grow it. Their mind acts like a screen or a closed box locking out the world rather than expanding to meet it.

Everyday life is the fuel for relationship. If you expand your inclusions in life, and therefore unlearn your judgments everyday, your love will grow.

With the pressure of life try to avoid using your relationship time to compensate for your poor innovation and lack of evolution at work. There’s a million ways to do more in less time.

I also ask those people around me to respect my relationship too. If someone gives me a three hour task to complete 1 hour before I am due home, I will not do it. My partner is not compensated for that abuse. If I am asked to work back tomorrow night with a day’s notice at least my partner can use her time well, she deserves that respect.

Higher Order

There is a reason for everything. A reason to meet someone and a reason to stay with someone. Nature is a reasoning essence. Everything has a purpose. It is wise to evolve your life and your relationship toward that purpose, and remember that, if you achieve your purpose for being together, then there is no reason to stay together.

In old times relationships were for life. Many people died just to escape their relationship. Much illness and disease can be traced to the inability to leave a relationship because of social and personal pressures.

Evolving in a relationship does not mean packing up and leaving it every time the challenge comes. However, it can mean searching for more than love as a binding force to hold you both together. Love is not enough to bind people in relationship.

Love and reason are needed. Why are you with your partner? Is it for a purpose? Some people are in relationship because of very emotional reason and therefore their relationships are only bound by contracts and social pressure. For example: some people stay for the children. This is a very important reason to take social and financial responsibility but it will not bind a couple in a loving relationship. It binds them in a contract of responsibility and this is different to a relationship. It is a partnership. This might be fine for some but loyalty, monogamy, fidelity and trust are not motivated by partnership.

To bind in a love filled relationship long term is a real commitment these days because we have freedom of choice. The forced slavery of marriage contracts is less than before and now, we stay together only if the reason is good and the love is strong. This is very healthy.

The Relationship Model of Addiction

“An inherent limitation of the medical model is ignoring the fact that ‘pathological dependence’ implies that a relationship, one that is emotional and psychological in nature, has formed with the substance or activity (i.e. gambling, porn, etc.) The ‘pathological dependency’ is a pathological relationship, one in which there is continuous and increasing emotional involvement.”

The application of the disease concept to alcoholism, chemical dependency and addiction by the American Medical Association in 1956 marked a turning point in how addicts are viewed by treatment practitioners, significant others, the addicts themselves, as well the population at large. This turning point served to lessen the impact of stigma. There is less shame and secrecy associated now with being an addict, clearing the way towards seeking professional help. The shift in perception allowed for a more objective understanding of the disease and had a humanizing effect. The disease concept streamlined the process of assessment, diagnosis and treatment.

However, despite its reliance on objective, measurable data and tried and proven research, and beyond meeting the necessary criteria to be labeled a disease, we actually know little else about the emotional and psychological aspects of addiction.

The “Pathological Dependence” is a Pathological Relationship

An inherent limitation of the medical model is ignoring the fact that ‘pathological dependence’ implies that a relationship, one that is emotional and psychological in nature, has formed with the substance or activity (i.e. gambling, porn, etc.) The ‘pathological dependency’ is a pathological relationship, one in which there is continuous and increasing emotional involvement. The relationship with a source of relief that serves primarily to provide relief from emotional pain or frustration by bringing on a rush or high, pleasure, excitement or as an escape.

It’s possible that the medical establishment never focused on or embraced the relationship aspect of addiction because the concept of relationship is subjective, immeasurable and not provable scientifically, and therefore ignored it. Yet it’s clear to all of us that a relationship does exist; one that can be likened to a secret love affair.

Certainly the term “pathological” to describe this relationship is apt in a number of ways, beginning with the underlying obsession and desperation that drives the relationship, as the addict is out of control, unable to stop thinking about or pursuing it. The relationship is carried on behind a cloak of denial and deception, separate from the rest of the addict’s life. This relationship immediately becomes the primary relationship, more powerful than any other. While the substance or activity provides much needed relief, it feeds the addiction by further starving the addict emotionally. As time goes by, the addict is becoming increasingly cut off from the rest of the world, from other people and relationships and is actually worse off than before s/he got involved in this relationship as the level of (pre-existing) pain increases over time. It’s a relationship that offers no real emotional nourishment — nothing healthy — only an artificially induced high and temporary relief along with a number of harmful effects.

Etiology & Pre-disposing Conditions

Addiction is the result of non-emotionally nourishing relationships. The Relationship Model of Addiction is based on the premise that a relationship with a source of relief is driven by the need for relief from unmet emotional needs. The need to relieve pain is considered to be a basic human need, whether physical or emotional, and often becomes overpowering depending on the extent of pain. Human beings tend to avoid pain at all costs. Behaviorists have established the need to avoid pain as well as the need to relieve pain as primary motivational forces, i.e. negative and positive reinforcement. Emotionally based pain comes from unmet emotional needs, and leaves one in a dysphoric state thirsting for euphoria, or the most easily accessible, effective means of relief possible.

What happens when we’re deprived of emotional nourishment? When we are unloved, don’t receive the affection, attention, acknowledgement and appreciation we require? When we don’t feel heard and understood? When we don’t feel like we belong, or are special in any way? When we don’t feel connected to someone? There is a build-up of hunger, shame and emptiness and the need to relieve this pain takes over. At some point, desperation sets in. One way or another, we’ll find relief. We’ll either find external sources of relief in the form of substances, activities or other relationships, or rely on tried and proven defense mechanisms at our disposal in the form of denial, delusion and deception.

Defending against pain involves and results in losing touch with our feelings. When losing touch with our feelings, we become more isolated and deprived, which leads to increasing pain, and the subsequent increasing need for relief becomes part of an endless vicious cycle, one in which self-growth and intimacy are impossible. Depending on the amount of pent-up pain, defending or coping can become overwhelmingly difficult, which is why there are so many people who commit suicide, suffer with depression, go crazy, become dependent on mind/mood-altering substances, or find other means of relief.

Why are so many people in so much pain?

Addiction doesn’t occur in a vacuum. When we put the quality of relationships or the inability to communicate intimately under the microscope, a bleak image emerges. There are a lot of people fending for themselves in emotionally barren terrain. The overwhelming majority of families and relationships, including family of origin as well as current ones, are dysfunctional, non-intimate, non-emotionally nourishing.

Expanding the focus beyond family and current relationships to the rest of the world leaves an even bleaker image. Television and newspaper headlines inundate us daily with lurid descriptions of atrocities committed by human beings upon one another. We are bombarded by excess in the economic realm – by greed and corruption – as well as in the political realm by rampant abuses of power, terrorism, war, gangs, hatred, and seemingly endless cases of abuse, rape, kidnap and murder. And this is only the tip of the iceberg. We all know stories that never make the news – the secret horrors of violence, abuse and insanity in so many homes; homes that are the breeding grounds for what we see reported in newspapers and on television. All of this drains our vitality and reinforces the need to further insulate ourselves. After a while, apathy, alienation and emotional numbness become a state of existence.

Why do some people get addicted and not others?

The medical model approach to these questions is that alcoholism and chemical dependency are largely the result of genetic and biochemical factors. Evidence suggests that a history of addiction in one’s family of origin or prior generations predisposes one to becoming addicted. Evidence also suggests biochemistry — the unique combination of chemicals in the brain with mind/mood-altering substances brings about some kind of extraordinarily pleasurable experience and irresistible craving.

However, there are those who have addiction running rampant in their families or who have a biochemical predisposition for becoming an addict who do not become dependent. The same goes for a chemical imbalance. We may surmise, therefore, that becoming addicted involves more than just genetics or biology. By the same token, we know that the incidence of abuse in one’s family of origin also correlates, but we don’t know exactly why or how significant a role it has. Some people with a history of family of origin abuse may experiment with various mind/mood substances or activities, but don’t become addicted. We might, therefore, strongly consider the level of pre-existing (emotional and physical) pain at the time of discovery another way to explain why some people and not others become addicted.

Perhaps the simplest explanation for the phenomenon of addiction is that it is a matter of the right chemistry. It is when the “right” person discovers the affect that a need for more develops. The right person could be anyone whose level of pre-existing emotional pain causes an extraordinarily pleasurable or pain-relieving gratifying experience.

The Relationship Model of Addiction establishes a new standard for understanding and treating addiction. It expands the disease concept by re-defining addiction as a relationship. The model accounts for the cause of addiction as related to the preponderance of non-emotionally nourishing relationships, unmet emotional needs, the resultant pain and need to relieve that pain. It identifies pre-disposing conditions as a backlog of pain, general state of dysphoria that goes beyond past and current relationships and includes the much larger social context. We know that despite the fact that this pain is subjective in nature, it is no less real or consequential than physical pain. Therefore we may assume that the greater the emotional deprivation, the greater the pain, the greater the need to relieve that pain and the more susceptible one is to becoming addicted.

The Relationship Model brings forth phenomenological or experiential, humanistic and existential perspectives; sheds light on the psychological dynamics of addiction; and holds profound treatment implications. We know that recovering addicts must eventually make the transition from “pathologically” dependent relationships based on the need for relief to sober healthy, intimate, emotionally nourishing relationships. Regardless of one’s experience in past and current relationships, learning some basic principles, pitfalls, challenges and skills, can be an empowering turning point and unleash one’s creative potential.

Relationship: Ten Strategies to Improve Your Relationship

Relationship Strategy No.1: Appreciate your Partners
Differences

  • Due to your upbringing, family background, cultural heritage and psychological makeup, you and your partner approach life from completely different perspectives.
  • By accepting that fact, you can begin to appreciate the value that your partner brings to the relationship. A balanced relationship requires Ying and Yang, the male and the female to flourish. Differing viewpoints make for a rich and rewarding relationship.

Relationship Strategy No.2: Understand the Nature of Love

  • Has the hot, heady romantic passion subsided in your relationship? Has the infatuation faded? Good! Now you are ready to move on to the mature stage of love. You have moved past the first flush of romantic love where your feelings are in a constant flutter and your emotions are running high.
  • Now you can develop a more mature and realistic approach to your relationship. Work, family, children, friends, as well as your relationship, are all part of a much bigger picture. This is the natural progression and does not mean that you are no longer in love. It just means that reality has taken over from unrealistic expectations.

Relationship Strategy No.3: Accept Your Partners Values
and Beliefs

  • Do not expect your partner to agree with everything you value and believe.
  • You can expect to fundamentally disagree about most things. If you can accept that your partner has a different opinion to yours, then you can agree to disagree. This need not impact on your emotional agreement. You can still love your partner even if you don’t agree with their opinion.

Relationship Strategy No.4: Accept that you and your
partner have conflicting interests

  • You like may like pop music, your partner may like soul music. You like football, your partner prefers tennis. You like drama, your partner prefers comedies. You like X, your partner prefers Y.
  • Just because you have different interests does not mean that there is anything wrong with your relationship.
  • If you experience conflict and stress as a result of engaging in activities that you don’t really like, then you should consider giving them up.

Relationship Strategy No.5: Learn How to Argue
Constructively

  • Disagreements arise in every relationship. This need not be a problem.
  • When you argue, keep to the issue. Do not verbally attack your partner personally.
  • Ask for time to calm down if you are emotionally upset.
  • Don’t put your entire relationship on the line for the sake of winning an argument.
  • Try to achieve emotional balance after expressing your opinion.

Relationship Strategy No.6: Learn to Control Your
Feelings

  • Avoid attacks on the self worth of your partner during arguments. This is potentially destructive and may not represent how you truly feel.
  • If you are emotionally out of control, it might be best to leave the room for a while, go for a run, do some exercise or find other ways to relieve the tension you feel.
  • Avoid saying things in the heat of the moment that you might regret later when you have clamed down.

Relationship Strategy No.7: Remember to Maintain an
Intimate Relationship

  • It is so easy to drift into lazy habits. Watching T.V. late into the night so that you are too tired for intimacy. Overeating or over drinking so that you are incapable of quality time together. Allowing yourself to get out of condition or becoming slovenly in your habits. These all impact on sexual desire and performance.
  • Recapture some of the romance of courtship with flowers, candlelight and dinners for two. Rekindle the flame of sexual desire by taking the time to be intimate. Maintain the physical comfort of touching, caressing and holding hands.

Relationship Strategy No.8: Accept your Partners
Weaknesses

  • Your partner may be less than perfect but then so are you. Accept your partner’s weaknesses. If they were perfect then they wouldn’t need you, would they?
  • Focus on your partner’s strengths. Make a list of all the things you like about them and concentrate your attention on those.
  • Providing your partner’s behaviour is not abusive or destructive then you can learn to overlook it and learn to compensate for them. Remember you are two halves of one whole.

Relationship Strategy No.9: Accept the Unique Qualities of your
Relationship

  • Every relationship is different. What you accept in your relationship others may think is objectionable. What you think is objectionable in the relationship of others, they may think is tolerable.
  • Just be yourselves and find your own level of acceptable behaviour within your relationship. Do not allow yourselves to be judged by anyone else’s so-called standards of acceptable behaviour.
  • Everyone expresses love in their own unique way. The underlying feelings are genuine and real, however they are expressed.

Relationship Strategy No.10: Accept Responsibility for the
Relationship

  • If you want the relationship to change then start by changing your own behaviour or attitudes.
  • You cannot expect your partner to change just because you are unhappy about their behaviour or their attitudes.
  • Accept the responsibility of changing your own approach, use new techniques, adopt new strategies.

Healthy Relationship Program – Set Goals and Transform Your Relationship

Imagine your life without goals. That’s right: pretend you just wiped away every single goal imaginable–from the mundane sort like getting out of bed and brushing your teeth to the bigger variety, like making partner at the firm. I bet you can’t imagine it. Because without goals (the ones you consciously name and the ones you just carry out), our lives might feel like unstructured, amorphous stretches of time. Setting goals can direct, energize and motivate you. And meeting your goals is a tremendously rewarding experience.

Take a moment to jot down three goals that are important to you–things you want to achieve in your life.

Then think about which aspects of your life are most important to you–what you cherish most in life.

If you’re anything like the people I recently surveyed, then your goals include things like: making more money while working less, exercising more and losing weight (and keeping it off) and getting out of debt. Money and health topped the goal-setting list.

Then I asked these same individuals for a different type of list–a list of what they cherish most in life. Almost all discussed their relationship with their spouse or life partner. People and relationships topped the what’s-most-important-to-you list.

Relationship Goals are MIA:

Here’s what I find remarkable. The people I surveyed didn’t have any goals for what they cherish most in life–their relationship or marriage. When it comes to goal-setting, marriage is left at the curb. There’s a dangerous assumption lurking that a good relationship will take care of itself. The frequency of failed relationships tells us this assumption is dead wrong.

Your Relationship Roadmap: Create a vision

In order to create relationship goals, it’s important to have a vision that details the kind of spouse or partner you aspire to be as well as the type of relationship that is important to you and your partner–this picture should be consistent with your personal values. When your goals are out of sync with your values, you’ll find yourself stalled on the road to your relationship destination.

A set of relationship goals is a roadmap that lends direction to your relationship. If your relationship already meets your vision, then working to keep the relationship at this level can be your goal.

An exercise to help you create relationship goals:

Imagine that your partner has been hired to teach a class about you at UCLA. The syllabus is a written testament to the type of spouse or partner you’ve been throughout the history of your relationship. Not holding anything back, s/he will detail your strengths and weaknesses as a partner. The entire truth (as your partner sees it) will be unfurled for an eager audience motivated to learn all about you.

What do you imagine s/he will say about you?

Respond to this question as honestly as possible. If you find yourself resisting this exercise or focusing more on what you’d like your partner to say, you won’t establish any meaningful goals. Remember, this exercise is designed to help you take a realistic look at yourself as a partner, a necessary step in creating goals that will make a difference in your relationship or marriage. You will need to open yourself up to some truths that may sting. Take my word–it will be well worth it.

There’s relationship gold to be found in the gap:

There will be a gap between what you’d like your partner to convey in his/her lecture and what s/he would actually say. This gap contains valuable information that you’ll use to set up relationship goals. Keep in mind that establishing and reaching relationship goals means committing to changing your behavior. The focus should be on you and not what you believe your partner should do differently.

The guiding question is: How wide is this gap and what can you do to narrow it?

When you begin to take steps to answer this question, you start accumulating the information you need to create your relationship goals. Don’t rush this–it should be a process that you come back to over and over again.

How To Recognize Relationship Breakdowns

In this complex world that we live in, one of the most complex things we have to deal with is ourselves and our relationships with others. In an ideal world, this should be simple, but we do not live in an ideal world, and the issue of relationships is anything but simple.

When we are born, we have a relationship with our parents. They teach us, they scold us, and they love us. But that point in our lives is the very last point in time when relationships will ever be even close to be simple.

In our teen years, the aspect of the importance of relationships goes right off the scale, surpassing almost everything else. Relationships are critical to us at that point. We are super conscious of what we wear, who we go out with, what our peers think of us, and if television and billboard advertising is to be believed, it is also of critical importance to our relationships and our future lot in life as to what brand of soda we drink and the brand of sneakers we wear.

Then we settle down, get married and start a family. The interesting thing is now that relationships get even more complex and diverse. Let’s look at some of the types of relationships that we need to be conscious of.

In business, customer relationships are very important, especially in the area of sales. Growing and strengthening the relationship you have with existing customers is every bit as important as finding new customers and forging new relationships. There are many things you can do to make your life easier here, but don’t let it all be electronic in this computer age, as there is still much to be said for the personal touch.

With friends and co-workers, we need to maintain a relationship that is part friendship and part business. This can be a fine line to walk for some people, but it can be done. A group or team that has respect for each other and trust in the opinions of others can be a major asset to any business organization.

Lastly is the interpersonal relationship with our spouse. The key to an effective relationship here is open, honest, and frequent communication. Remember, this was designed to be a long term commitment for both of you, and is takes both time and energy to consistently ensure that you are both on the same page, with common goals and desires. That cannot happen without a solid relationship, and a solid relationship cannot occur without good communications.

All too frequently, this interpersonal relationship with your spouse goes in directions that you never anticipated. Your spouse may have some major control issues, where they want to control every aspect and issue of your life, which will take away your uniqueness, the traits that comprise YOU. There are ways to recognize this and also ways to get this straightened out.

Other times, the relationship turns into being an abusive relationship. The definition of abuse does not need to necessarily mean physical abuse. This also encompasses mental abuse, verbal abuse and emotional abuse. Learn to recognize the different types of abuse and how to work with the different types.

What causes a relationship to break down? There can be many factors involved with this, and frequently this is a combination of many different things. Learn to watch for the signs of the relationship starting to break down and take the necessary steps to get the relationship back on the right track.

The topic of relationships is a complex one, but the best way to be able to create good solid relationships is communication. We are all unique with different needs, requirements, and abilities, but we need to be aware of the impact that relationships have on our everyday lives, and put forth the effort to keep those relationships solid.